On Sending Out Valentine applications

The last time I will be sending out applications for Valentine’s Day.

On Feb. 1, I decided to be funny and post a Google Form Valentine application on my Instagram story. I’ve decided to refrain from making comedic attempts until further notice.

I’ve filled out enough job applications to know how they work. Applicants send in a resume and cover letter and put their heart and soul into applying, and then they never hear another word back. I’m very good at ghosting, both accidental and purposefully, so the position of hiring manager appealed to me a lot.

I posted the link on my Instagram story, atop a picture of me wearing all white, with over the ear white headphones, and rectangular sunglasses with an odd amount of jewelry on (my normal Tuesday). It contained text saying, “Hello. It’s officially February, which means applications to be my 2024 Valentine are officially open. Do not expect a response if you do not get selected, as this is a highly competitive position.”

The next photo contained a photo of me, taken from an angle above my head, therefore making me look somewhat deranged, with the words, “good luck applicants” right underneath my chin.

Personally, I think I did a fantastic job on the application. It was just the right mix between Normal-Internship-Application questions, odd questions, with a final finance question just to weed out the people who didn’t go to college just to make a lot of money. Following, a synopsis–

Description of the Google Form:

Last Valentine's Day I went to the gym. Will that happen again? Possibly. Depends on how well you answer the following questions. If you receive a proficient score, you will be accepted to move on to the Super Day which consists of meetings from 9am-5pm. Since I unfortunately am not able to conduct these interviews because of my busy schedule, Super Day will consist of applicants (dressed in business professional) staring at a wall and thinking about me for the scheduled 8 hours.

This is graded. You will see which answers you got correct/incorrect at the end. Good luck.

1. Describe our date. Be succinct, very specific, and take as many pages as needed.

2. What's your favorite thing about me? (Be as long winded as you want)

3. How would you differentiate yourself from the other interns and  what skills do you possess relevant to the industry/job?

4. How do you feel about tables, chairs, and TVs?

   1. Strong positive feelings

   2. Weak positive feelings

   3. Melancholy

   4. Weak negative feelings

   5. Strong negative feelings

(The correct answer was either c, d, or e with the explanation, “My apartment has none of the things listed.”

5. Would you still like me if I were a worm? Yes or no

(The correct answer was no, with the explanation, “Why tf would you love a worm?”)

6. What's your strategy for surviving a zombie apocalypse, and how does our love factor into it?

7. What's your #1 make out song?

(The correct answer is “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”, which is pretty self-explanatory.)

8. If we had a dance battle, what song would you choose to try and become victorious?

9. What word would best describe what you are meditating on in the new year?

   1. Success

   2. Happiness

   3. Health

   4. Sadness

   5. Other…

(The correct answer was to click ‘other’ and then type ‘gremlin’)

10. Tell me about the weirdest dream you've had.

(All applicants got this one wrong, under the explanation, “That's cool, my weirdest dream was when I thought Dwayne Johnson was in my living room. I got out of bed because I thought I could fight Dwayne with nothing but my two bare fists and rage.”

11. What does EBITDA stand for?

(The correct is earnings before interest, taxes, depreciation, and amortization)

I got a lot of funny answers, which is what I was looking for. My high school friend who I spent a lot of time with in Madrid, Naia, filled out the application, along with my good college friend Blakely, and my old NYC roommate Sonia. Out of all my friends who filled out the application, those three had the best answers.

But not all of the responses were from my friends. And not everybody figured out that the application was supposed to be a joke.

I got one response from my best friend from middle school and part of high school. We didn’t have a fight or anything, but I slowly distanced myself from her for a number of reasons. She followed me on Instagram a couple of weeks ago, and it seemed like she had grown up a lot since we had last seen each other. She has a girlfriend she has been dating for and has almost graduated college and maybe she is feeling the same thing I am, that maybe it’s time to reach back out with the people who we got disconnected from years ago.

Her responses were cute, because they included a lot of things we did together that I hadn’t thought about in years. Like writing songs in my living room or our dream that we were going to become famous on a webshow like iCarly. She said that her favorite thing about me was, “Doesn’t know how, or has a desire, to be part of a trend, feel secure, or fit in. Is the person to start something new, and fit out.”

I hadn’t thought about her in years, and here I was tearing up while reading responses in an Excel spreadsheet. I’ve always been interested in the idea that people I don’t even remember, or know, are watching me from afar and creating opinions about my life. Of course it’s different in her case, as we were bonded so much as young girls, but the overall idea remains the same. There are people watching me and taking note of what I’m doing and creating assumptions on my personal beliefs and principles without ever having spoken to me. It wasn’t something I had thought of too much until last spring semester, a year ago now. A girl I barely spoke to told me, “I love your Instagram, I love seeing your posts. You seem so cool.” I was taken aback and now when I remember the interaction, I fear that I might have made her feel embarrassed about coming up to me like that, because I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t think people were really paying attention to my life, other than my best friends who always left comments and maybe the aunt who follows me.

I’m elaborating on this sensation of realizing that I am being watched by people I don’t even know exist because it leads into the next person who filled out the application. He follows me on Instagram, but I don’t follow him back. I’ve never heard of him before, I thought that someone else was using a fake name until Blakely read over it and knew exactly who it was. Some boy who lives in our apartment complex and studies anthropology. I asked Blakely if I would know him from anywhere, that he didn’t look familiar to me, she responded, “Probably not. He’s probably just seen you on your Instagram and on my stories. I post you all the time.”

Oops! I have a new stalker!

I fully understand that this is what results when I post things online. When I constantly post my photography, people are going to figure out that I am a photographer. It’s just weird when it actually happens, especially when someone I don’t even know exists knows all about me. For his favorite thing about me he said, “I assume that most people will answer with something physically-related, as I will instead opt for your sense of style and your commitment to what you do.”

Nobody else listed anything that had to do with my physical appearance. Sonia’s answer to this question was, “I sometimes dream of you in the corn races, I long to be beside you,” because she was obsessed with the idea of the Tour de Corn.

The other big surprise of the application came from the old editor in chief of the student newspaper when I was sports editor and Blakely was variety editor. I heard all about his complicated relationship at the time from the managing editor, who was his best friend. One time when we were doing the layout the day before the Super Bowl, he made everyone stop working to get our input on which combo meal he should order from which restaurant to get the most amount of food for the least amount of money. I thought it was a joke when I first read the responses. Then he texted Blakley, “Will you lobby for me?” and I got a DM on Instagram from his best friend at midnight the next night saying, “Hey! How are you???”

There are two worst parts of this. The first one is that in my time working for the newspaper, I have had three editor in chiefs I have worked underneath. Different ones when I was a sophomore, junior, and senior. This is the second of my editor in chiefs that has tried to court me. The one from sophomore year found me on Hinge when I forgot to deactivate my account when I got back from NYC. I’m pretty sure I won’t get 3/3 though, because my editor in chief from senior year was a straight woman, and didn’t like me because I was only the managing editor but got a job at the local newspaper over her. Newspaper drama.

The other worst part is that I’m currently writing this story in a coffee shop off campus, smiling to myself, when I see Mr. Former-Editor-In-Chief in question walk through the door. I almost dropped my chapstick off the second floor bar I was sitting at. I was prepared to say hi and more on, but as soon as we met eyes, he looked down at his phone like there was something real urgent he had to take care of as an anthropology graduate student. This response is a bummer, because last year Blakely and I went to his apartment to watch the Super Bowl since I don’t have a TV.

I suppose I will have to put out a new application for a Super Bowl party we can attend this year.

Yours truly,

Calihan